I find myself researching the “teachers”. Mooji, Papaji and others that stem from them. This woman, Gangaji, intrigued me. I watched a few of her videos and she seemed to be totally independent of what was going on when she was being interviewed, which is a convincing quality. She has a husband, Eli Jaxon-Bear, who is also a “teacher” and he had a 3 year affair with one of his students. The fact that it matters to me whether these teachers are legit really bothers me. What if I found out that Mooji is a pedophile, or that Krishnamurti had some horrible skeleton in his closet, would that end my ambition? I want this search to be independent of any external encouragement. There is something valuable in itself that is coming from this. A shining feeling in my chest, and sometimes a kind of peace that really drenches me. I wanted to say “swallows” me, but there isn’t the finality of a swallow to it. Normal people, they’re not so bad. They want things, they want to look back on a life of achievement. They have warmth sometimes. Am I OK being like that? Sometimes I want to be “better” than that. But really, I just don’t want that. I cant be free from people’s judgement, I cant be free to express, I cant be completely unhindered if I am playing the game that my mind has set for me. My mind is my conditioning and my conditioning is the opinions of others. To give authority to my mind is to give authority to everyone else.